Having Hobbies Doesn't Mean I Don't Have a Chronic illness.

This post has been a long time coming, I probably shouldn't have to explain myself but what with people passing judgements about me and my chronic illness I had to write it. Gaming is like a release for me, I need something in my life other than worrying about when I will faint and if I will be able to make it pass without me fainting, I find it hard to concentrate at times and I'm very fatigued all the time which is no exaggeration, you can ask Sarah how much I nap she will tell you its a lot. I beat myself up and I'm hard on myself when I can't get a task done, I try to plan things but they don't go to plan I just get what I can do when my body lets me.

Gaming is one of these things I have been able to hold onto for a while now, I barely leave the house due to anxiety and my condition. I'm terrified of fainting whilst I'm out and left depressed because I want to do what abled bodied people can do, like go on long walks and run etc but I can't so gaming is my release I can be transported into a whole new world but at times I cant game for long, my NCS courses me to have pins and needles in my hands and they start to shake now and then I'm not really sure why but it makes holding a controller for long periods of time harder now.

A saying I say constantly is "Gaming is all not just for the abled", it's something that I've argued over a lot, for instance, I take pictures for Instagram for game related things or post pictures on twitter and people assume that I spend all day at home doing nothing but playing a game as I mentioned before I don't spend all day playing games, my life sucks a lot of the time but do I moan about it all the time? No, I get on with it, I crawl into bed and nap for hours because I'm exhausted from fatigue, I cry a lot wishing my body would let me work out more so I could lose more weight instead of making me faint. People don't see my life behind social media except for those who really know me and even then I choose not to open up about how ill and how I'm feeling because I want to talk about something other than my health or I will end up a mess every single day of my life.

If it wasn't for gaming I probably would be in a dark room every day not moving or speaking to anyone, my relationship would suffer and I would alienate myself from everyone, if it wasn't for gaming I wouldn't have a place to escape to and let my imagination run wild, if it wasn't for gaming I wouldn't have content like this to write about on my blog and most of all if it wasn't for gaming I wouldn't have met some of the most amazing and caring people I know today who check up on me every day and make sure I'm ok (that last is the same for blogging too, to be honest). I have seen many tweets about how I don't really have a chronic illness because I play video games but how would they know I don't? They don't see my daily struggles they only see what I post on social media and when I have fallen out with friends who love to make assumptions about what I do with my life on a daily basis.

Talking of friends, I've been in toxic friendships a number of times and they dragged me down further and further especially with snide remarks made about how other disabled people aren't really disabled because they have a certain hobby or because they go out and enjoy themselves, so when a friendship like that ends I always count my blessing over how lucky I am to get out of a friendship that was affecting my health, in fact since speaking up to people about how their words affect others and show what kind of person they really are I feel that much more free to speak my mind and I'm sure most of you know I'm usually not afraid to say what's on my mind but when it comes to facing people who will twist what you say and make out you called them a bully just because you pointed out that their attitude towards those who have disabilities and chronic illnesses aren't ok you tend to just want to back away from the conversation but I didn't and I'm all the more glad that I stood my ground for it.

Day after day on Twitter (It's the platform I use the most) assumptions about what others are capable of arise a lot especially when it comes to talking of disabled people getting benefits, I know of so many people who think that you have to have a severe disability in order to be allowed any form of disability benefits which isn't fair, we all have good and bad days and on good days I personally feel like I can achieve more like playing a game for at least an hour (yes that's an achievement for me) than on my bads days. I have seen people say that disabled people should only use disabled parking spaces between certain times, they shouldn't be allowed to spend their PIP on anything but necessities and the most annoying one is "if they are really disabled how can they go out and enjoy themselves" disabled people/people with chronic illnesses all have a right to have hobbies and enjoy themselves just because someone has a disability/chronic illness doesn't mean they should stop anything they enjoy. My bestie put out a tweet the other day that perfectly sums up my feelings about peoples ignorant and ableist opinions which I will show below, take what both she and I have to say into consideration, let us live our lives without being judged, we want to enjoy life and look good sometimes too:

If I’m wearing makeup I am not suddenly cured of my chronic illness 

If my hair isn’t disheveled I am not suddenly cured of my chronic illness

If I’m wearing actual clothes instead of pyjamas/loungewear I am not suddenly cured of my chronic illness

....etc

— Sarah 💀🖤♿️ (@fromsarahlex) July 29, 2018

Not everyone is ignorant like this but the more time I spend online the more I realise that some people will judge others or use excuses for their behaviour no matter what, such as calling someone a faggot and than saying I was only joking it's only game talk, that's not game talk that being rude and insensitive and using words to try and get to someone and not to mention being very homophobic, that kind of attitude doesn't belong in the gaming community, online or even in everyday life. The same thing goes for those speaking about people with disabilities or chronic illnesses online, they will say something offensive than say oh no I was joking and the cycle of this behaviour continues, why not concentrate on yourself instead of people who you don't know, people who have enough to deal with? Better yourself, listen and understand that we are allowed to enjoy and make the most out of life to.

Elle May

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